dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
