His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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