It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
