Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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