Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
