lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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