it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
