He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
