put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
