My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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