And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
