We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
