You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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