My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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