oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
