the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
as a side note pls kill me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
