cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
