How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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