you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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