So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
