Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
