M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
