If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
