He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
