So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
