You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
