I wish I could teleport
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
