You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
MIDGETS
????
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
