Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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