my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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