what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I forget how to act sober
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
