Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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