holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
