The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i think my cat just said my name.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
