I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
