It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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