I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
