this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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