My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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