I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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