Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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