Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
