between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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