I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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