I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
