i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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