so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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