do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
