All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am one with the molecules
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
