this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
