i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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