My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
