Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
