hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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