Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So much Jack, so little girl.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
