You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
